Civil Service and Humour !
Civil servants are often described as an unusually serious blend of people who will look at rule books twice even to laugh inside their own cabins! And it's not a desi phenomenon but an universal trait globally crafted because of the lacklustre and sedentary lifestyle, bureaucracy follows. They are perceived as being wooden and are often accused of lacking in a sense of humour. But, I have noticed the subtle humour in many incidents experienced by me and narrated / reported by some of my colleagues and friends. Jokes apart, the following are the real stories that are now reported , here, on merit because there is a fun element too, amidst the high and dry civil life. .
Witty Life in and around Lal Bahadur Shastri National Academy of Administration, Mussorie:
Happened during second phase of our IAS training. Salary cheque did not reach in time and Ashok’s name appeared in the defaulter’s list of the Mess, not once but twice. Even Hari and Jackson ( local Bankers ) stopped their credit line because of overdrawal. We prompted Ashok to send a reply paid express telegram ( a great facility those days ) to his Collector with this text--- drafted by me :
STARVING (.) SALARY NOT RECEIVED (.)
Prompt comes the reply from his witty Collector: CHEQUE DESPATCHED (.) START EATING (.)
Bad-At-Law
Mr. K.M.S. Reddy, who was Income Tax Commissioner in Bangalore, was a Bar-At Law. Once his steno misspelt his letterhead with the legend — “K.M.S. Reddy, Bad-At-Law.” The sporting Mr. Reddy caught the error (or was it?!) and admonished the steno: “I say Menon, I know and you know about my knowledge of law. But should you broadcast it to the entire world?” Poor Menon, he did not know where to hide his face.
Wise and otherwise:
There was Shri J.P.Singh, an Income Tax Commissioner in Madras who had two PAs — one an over-clever person and the other, a less intellectually endowed but pleasant guy who had come through the sports quota. Mr. Singh would always introduce them together to visitors, saying “One is wise and the other one is otherwise.” The discerning visitors could always make out which attribute referred to whom!
Humour at Governor’s expense:
Visit to Nainital was so frequent by this Governor. And, every time, the exasperated DM had to scrounge for funds towards hospitality expenses. This time, he told his Nazir Babu to mend it by himself and not to bother him with fund paucity till the Governor’s visit is over. Everything went tiktiboo and the Governor’s caboodle was more than happy this time at the level of hospitality.
At the thanksgiving meet, the DM had asked the Nazir Babu: how did you manage the funds?
Nazir: Sir, there was an unspent allocation in a budget head and I used it, for this purpose.
Bemused DM: What is that budget head ?
Nazir : Natural calamities, Sir.
( This was narrated to me by Shri Anthony Lancelot Dias ICS, Governor of Bengal during one of his visits to Darjeeling where I was Assistant Magistrate and Collector )
Humour in East Indian Railways:
Station Masters on the East Indian Railways were given strict orders not to do anything out of the ordinary without authority from the Divisional Superintendent. Faced with an extra-ordinary situation, this Station master had sent the following express telegram:
To: Divisional Superintendent, Gauhati.
“ Tiger on platform eating a gangman. Please wire instructions. “
Ingenious railway man !
What takes the cake for the most ingenious circumvention of the red tape was what an IRAS officer , R. Srinivasan, did when he was Railways Personnel Manager at Guntakal Junction. As the Railway School did not have a budget provision for buying musical instruments for the school band, he asked the engineering department to make a requisition for pipes and drums and used the money to get flutes, clarinets, drums, tablas, etc!
Income Tax at wit’s end !!!
- One Assistant Commissioner of Income Tax who had a compulsive urge to refer to judicial pronouncements, whether relevant or not, once noted on a file that came to him for approval — “The ITO may please peruse 27 ITR 273 with profit before finalising the assessment order”. The ITO sent back the file with the note — “Perused 27 ITR 273. No profit derived, order passed.” The file went up and came back without any comment!
- The same Assistant Commissioner, who was adept at avoiding responsibility, once made a noting — “Please speak with file”. The file came back in double quick time with the noting — “Spoke with file. File did not reply. For further orders please .” That put paid to further such demands.
Assets of Bihar civil servants:
If you thought you would spot billionaires by scanning asset declaration papers of Bihar bureaucrats you are wrong. As declaration of assets including movable ones are being uploaded in State Government websites, you would instead notice how bureaucrats in Bihar have a wide range of asset class from cash and jewellery to cows and rifles.
Most of the assets are traditional in nature --- flats, GPF, NSS, postal savings, LIC policies, vehicles etc. with a little exposure to equity market.
Significantly, State Water Resources Secretary owns a rifle, a revolver and a double barrel gun. Also, a Divisional Commissioner owning a revolver. Thanks to his writing skills, he earns Rs 1 lakh per year as royalty from his earlier publications.
Another interesting entry in asset class is possession of cows and calves by bureaucrats. One DM cannot match Lalu Prasad’s possession of domestic animals, but his wife seems to have a passion for pets as she possesses two cows and two calves! Another DM too owns two cows and a TVS Scooty!
Comment on this news item( when it was flashed in public media ) :
This is all fake. They own much more !!!
Ration allowance for cats
It was in late sixties. Director, Forensic Science Laboratory ( FSL), Calcutta sends a proposal to Home Dept. for increase of ration money for cats kept in the FSL for experimental purposes. From Rs. 1.50 a day to Rs. 2/- per day. Promptly agreed to by Joint Secretary, Home Dept., it goes to Finance dept. for approval. Promptly, the file comes back with the following queries:
- As the cats are free to roam around, can they not feed on the rats which are in abundance in the Govt. offices . Why this increase ?
- Why this increase now ? Was there any demand raised by the Cats ?
JS, Home got wild on seeing these queries. Being a humorous person, he wanted to outwit the Finance guys. His re-joinder:
- Unlike domesticated cats these FSL cats are not free to roam around. They are kept in captivity being lab animalsand are taught “ not to steal “, being Police friendly. Labs, being sanitized areas do not breed rats. We understand that Finance Department stores maximum number of files in the secretariat and hence rat population there will be more. If the Finance Dept., formulate a scheme, we can send these cats there on a conducted “catch the feed “ program, under Finance Dept.’s supervision.
- This increase in ration allowance is based on the felt hunger expressed by more “meows”
( not catcalls !) by these cats in FSL. As the ID Act 1947does not have any enabling provisions forforming ofany union by the cats, we have not received any voiced demand from them , till now.
On seeing this re-joinder by Home department, F.D. had sent the file immediately with the following minutes:
“WE AGREE”
From “pillar to post” or “Pillai to Pillai”
Those days, Foreign Trade Policy was so restricted and citizens had to be doubly sure about the importability and exportability of any item. There were Banned List, Restricted list, canalised list, OGL, GLIs, XLIs—a plethora of restrictions. This dutiful citizen booked an appointment to seek clarification on importability of camphor . Directed by the PRO, he met Shri T.N.R.Pillai, Dy. Chief Controller of Imports and Exports and asked him about the licensing instructions. TNRP, after a patient hearing , rebuked the visitor and directed the visitor to go to Shri K.N.R.Pillai as the subject matter is not under his domain. Exasperated, the visitor reached KNRP who was so impatient but eloquent to turn him back stating that the subject matter is handled by KNRP only. This visitor exclaimed:
Sir, they say , in GOI, you are driven from pillar to post. But, in Udyog Bhavan, OMG…..we are driven from Pillai to Pillai !!!
Your Honour is not hurt:
Hon’ble Judge was rushing from one chamber to another. He tripped while negotiating the curve in the stairs and was in pain. Difficulty getting up. Nearby Lawyer helped him and remarked:
I hope, your Honour is not hurt.
Hon’ble Judge: My honour is intact and not hurt. But my elbows and knees are bruised !!!
Extracts from Annual confidential Rolls of civil servants:
* He has a fine mind- in fact so fine that no mere idea could ever penetrate it.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* He is a very quiet officer. He opens his mouth only to change whichever foot was previously there.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom- and has now started to dig.
* He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* He has carried out each and everyone of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
* [ About a PWD engineer]: The roads built by him are like the road to hell- paved with good intentions only.
* He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
* This officer should go far- in fact the farther the better.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* He tours a lot, visiting his office occasionally.
* He has a highly developed sense of right and wrong; this helps him to invariably choose the latter every time.
A comment by a District judge in the ACR of his Reader :
"A very competent Reader- he writes beautiful judgements."
Finally, I cannot conclude without referring to a remarkable advertisement issued by the Punjab Govt. in the early 1980's. In a bid to woo industrialists the Government, quite against the run of play, came up with a bright idea and announced it in all newspapers as follows:
GOOD NEWS FOR INDUSTRIALISTS. ALL THEIR NEEDS WOULD NOW BE TAKEN CARE OF BY ONE SINGLE WIDOW !
Talk of printer’s devil ! or Talk of window of opportunity!! Never has one missing alphabet contributed so much to the industrialisation of a state.
About the Author: R.Sivasailam IAS ( Retd.)
Served as a Captain in Indian Army for 6 years before joining IAS. Was with 1968 IAS Batch of Govt. of West Bengal. Was Principal Secretary in State Govt. at the time of retirement.
Holds Master’s Degree in Public Administration. Attended Advanced Training Programs in International Trade at Helsinki School of Economics and CBI, Rotterdam.
Present engagement: Adviser in International Trade for 5 EOUS and SEZ units.
Hobbies: Beach Walks and Yoga, Numismatics and Teaching kids in a School in the areas of Leadership, Excellence and Etiquette.
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