The Deer Cubs

On his first day in office Abinash meets his personal assistant Jharna, a stunningly beautiful girl. Life changes for this mature, married man in a way beyond his control. Her overpowering presence unsettles his every waking moment, disturbing his life at home, in the office and wherever he is. His obsession reaches its peak when he invites her to accompany him in his official trip to Paris. She agrees, after checking with her husband and their little daughter. The next few days are spent in an ecstatic euphoria, planning for the trip and dreaming about Paris…………..

            “May I come in Sir?”

            I looked up from the report I was reading. It was my first day in the office – as the Director of Textiles. I kept staring, wide-eyed, mouth open, speechless. The young lady standing at the door was the most beautiful woman I had seen in my life. With a light yellow saree, a matching blouse, a small bindi on the forehead, and a faint smile on the face - she looked every inch the stunner that she was.

            In a minute or so, I collected myself and stood up, assuming she must be another officer like me. She entered the room.

            “Sir, please don’t get up. I am Jharna, your Personal Assistant”.

            I sat down, a mild sense of joy slowly spreading in my being, like a soft glow of light.

“Come Jharna, the Head Clerk had told me that he will assign you to me. ‘The boss should have the best sir’, that’s what he had told me. But I find he was making an understatement. You are even better than the best.”

            “Sir, you haven’t seen my work, how do you pass such a judgment?”

            Jharna looked at me, a naughty smile playing on her dainty lips. She had the self-assurance of a person who was conscious of the power of her beauty and wit.

            I was a bit embarrassed, caught unawares. She tried to put me at ease.

“Sir, don’t worry, you will have no reason to complain about my work. I have earlier worked as P.A. to the Directors for more than eight years. Only your predecessor kept a male P.A. because he wanted to work late in the office.”

            “Don’t tell me you have been in this office for more than ten years!”

“Yes sir.”

            “I can’t believe it! You look like a just-out-of-the-college young girl!”

            Jharna giggled like a just-out-of-the-college young girl. I felt a new radiance spread over her, making her look even more ravishing.

“Sir, before you joined, everyone said you are a very smart officer. Now I know why.”

            Jharna went out of the room. I couldn’t take my eyes off her retreating figure. I felt as if the room had been flooded with a dazzling light a few minutes earlier, and suddenly became desolate and dreary after she left. For the next five days time flew by and I was not aware of anything other than Jharna’s overpowering presence in my life. In my college days I had read a story about a magnificent obsession. What I felt for her was way beyond that.

            In the evenings I wanted time to take new wings and fly by, so that morning would come quickly and I would rush to office to be with Jharna. Looking at my eagerness to get ready and leave for office, my wife Madhavi was impressed. She complimented me for getting a good, interesting assignment after a long time.

            At the office I wanted to spend every single minute in the company of Jharna. On some pretext or the other I called her to my room many times a day. I kept dictating memos, most of which were quite unnecessary. During dictation, I took long pauses between sentences, just to make her stay longer in the room so that I can gaze at her radiant beauty.  Half an hour before five, my mind would sink in a suppressed sadness, with the unbearable prospect of parting company with her for seventeen long hours, till ten o’ clock next morning.

My eyes never left her face for the entire duration when she was in my room. I pretended to concentrate on the words for dictation, but the mind kept floating in a mild concoction of intoxicating desire. In other words, I – Abinash Ray, a seasoned man of the world, a responsible husband of ten years, a doting father of a loving son, and a senior officer with a brilliant track record - simply lost myself in a haze of unruly obsession. Deep feelings of unfulfilled passion swept over me and like the slipping sand under retreating waves, my feet kept sinking into a swamp of boundless insanity.

            Jharna was truly one-in-a-million kind of girl. When she entered the room, with her slim body draped in a chiffon saree, hair neatly in place with a few tufts blowing in the wind, a small dot on the forehead, a faint hint of kajal in the eyes, and a light dash of powder on the cheeks, one had the illusion of a silent lightning leaving a lasting glow in the air. And interestingly, she knew the kind of effect she had on people, and her ability to break a heart into million pieces and join them together with her deft touch.

            And deft she was, in everything she did. Quick in dictation, flawless in typing, polite in conversation, she was efficiency personified. In no time Jharna learnt about my friends and talked to them so nicely that out of curiosity they dropped in from time to time, like tourists going to visit a monument, and on some pretext or other started chatting with her. After a few visits my classmate Radhakant told me,

“You are lucky Abinash; throughout the day you get to drink the sweet water from Jharna, the lovely fountain; but when we come to meet you we have to be satisfied with only a cup of tea!”

Although I pretended to be irritated by such innuendo, secretly I felt happy, as if I was the sole owner of a rare artifact, which everyone else envies.

            Within a month of my joining the new post, my life went haywire. I kept thinking of Jharna all the time, at home, in the office, in the park taking a walk, while humming during the bath and even when doing the morning prayers! A sweet intoxication gripped me all the time, while talking to her, teasing her, or admiring her work. I started asking the driver to drive fast on the way to office, lest I get delayed and lose ten minutes of my seven hours with Jharna.

            For all meetings outside the office I kept deputing the Joint Directors. In the office I delegated work to others. Everyone said, ‘look at the new Director, what a great administrator, he wants to build so much confidence in the subordinates’! I told every one, ‘boss is the ultimate authority. Only if a problem goes beyond the competence of the JDs, I will interfere. Otherwise let them handle responsibilities’. Another act of greatness! Nobody suspected that I was only looking for an excuse to palm off work to others so that I can spend more time with Jharna on the pretext of giving dictation!

            In my previous posting I used to go home for lunch. Now I started getting lunch to the office. Madhavi asked,

            “O my God! You have to work so hard in the new job?”

I nodded and added,

“Yes, but frankly speaking, I want to avoid coming home for lunch. You are already into the seventh month of pregnancy. You should take rest. I don’t want you to get disturbed.”

            “You really care so much for me!”

            “Of course I care! You are my one and only wife. Who else should I care for?”

            “Then give me a tight hug and show me how much you care!”

            Madhavi comes very close. I try to escape.

“Oh, please let me go, I am getting late for the office!”

            I run away to office, hiding the truth from Madhavi – it is not my devotion to duty, but my crazy obsession for Jharna that drags me to office! Madhavi has gained a lot of weight during pregnancy – her bloated body repels me these days. I have started sleeping in our son Mridul’s bedroom now-a-days. When Madhavi questions me, I tell her, I must avoid sleeping with her so that no harm comes to the baby by my accidentally putting a leg or two on her stomach!

And strangely, I have no guilt, losing myself in sweet dreams about Jharna, despite Madhavi sleeping in the next room.

            More than two months have passed since I joined the new office. Jharna has become quite free with me while talking. She tells me about Gagan, her husband, who works as a clerk in HDFC Bank. And about her cute little daughter, the five year old Aparna, who loves to talk, who sees a lot of things in her dream every night and spends half an hour in the morning, giving every detail to Jharna, sometimes making her late for the office.

I take every opportunity to shower praise on her and she simply loves it. A smile of content spreads over her dimpled cheeks and I feel she is imploring me through her soft eyes, ‘Sir, please keep talking to me, say those nice things again and again, I am dying to hear them from you!’.

            In turn she admires my manners, my kind heart and most of all my impeccable English. “Sir, you must have been the topper in English literature in your university. Your English is perfect!”

I feel hugely elated, hearing those words. I feel like telling her, Jharna, so many people have praised me for my good English in the past. But coming from you, it assumes a new beauty and gives me a rare thrill.

My wife Madhavi is in a very advanced stage of pregnancy now – the expected date is only three weeks away. She hardly moves out, and the time has come to book a room in the nursing home for her.

Suddenly on Wednesday evening, I was about to leave the office for home, when a letter came from the government, nominating me to attend the TexExpo at Paris starting Thursday next week. First I thought I would refuse, but then, I had never been to Paris and the trip was only for four days including journey time. I decided to opt for it.

I remembered, my last foreign tour was to Australia, two years back. Since I was travelling in club class where the companion ticket was free, Madhavi had come with me, leaving four years old Mridul with my in-laws. We had enjoyed a lot. At the Sydney beach we were taking a stroll romantically, hand in hand, when an old couple had beamed at us and asked, “Newly married couple?” Out of mischief we had nodded our head!

This time Madhavi was not in a position to travel. The free companion ticket would go waste. Suddenly, like a flash of lightning, an idea came to my mind. Why not ask Jharna? May be she will agree to come, since there is no expense involved. Ah! If Jharna comes with me to Paris, all the joys of the world will fade in comparison! It will be pure bliss!

The thought of Jharna and me in Paris gripped my mind like a vise. The more I thought about it, the more attractive the idea appeared to me. But when I reached home and looked at Madhavi, the expectant mother, my heart sank with guilt. For the next few hours my mind moved back and forth between Jharna and Madhavi. Like a pendulum it swung between excitement and guilt, joy and despair

Three times during the night I got up from my bed and went to Madhavi’s room, stood near her and kept looking at her peaceful face, adrift in her own twinkling dreams of a stable life, a mature, steady husband, a loving daughter, and a new baby on its way. The third time I stood near her bed, she suddenly opened her eyes and saw me,

“What! What happened? Why are you standing here?”

For a moment I was startled, but composed myself.

“Nothing. I am just worried for you. You are in such an advanced stage now. I want to make sure every thing is ok.”

Madhavi pulled me to her side.

”For so long you have not slept near me. Please lie down here for sometime. I always find your presence so reassuring.”

She wrapped her hand around me, put her head on my shoulder and went off to sleep, a soft, calm confidence on her face. I felt a deep sense of love and kindness for her and decided to drop the idea of inviting Jharna for the Paris trip.

But when I reached office in the morning, I was again a changed man. By some strange coincidence, Jharna had put on the light yellow saree with small green flowers, the one with which she had stunned me on my first day in office. When she entered the room in her usual dazzling way, and said “good morning sir”, my heart leapt up and got stuck in my throat. With a choking voice I asked her to sit.

“Jharna, government has nominated me to attend the TexExpo at Paris starting next Thursday. You have to arrange visa, ticket and foreign exchange.”

Jharna squealed in excitement.

“Paris, sir! You are really lucky. Going to Paris, the loveliest city on earth!”

Before I could control myself I blurted out,

“Jharna, why don’t you come with me to Paris? The lovely city will feel like a paradise with your presence.”

“Me? How can I come sir?”

“Look Jharna, I will travel by club class where the companion ticket is free. So there is no cost on travel. Out of my allowance I will book a room for you. It is a matter of only three days there. We will enjoy a lot. I can assure you, we will make it truly memorable for us.”

“Sir, let me ask Gagan. I doubt if he will agree. I will also have to persuade our daughter Aparna to spend four days with my mother. Is it ok if I tell you tomorrow?”

“O yes, tomorrow is fine, but let’s not delay beyond that. There is lot of planning involved. We have to find an airline which will offer a free companion ticket in club class, get the visa and complete lots of formalities.”

“Yes sir, I understand.  I will tell you tomorrow for sure. What are the things worth seeing in Paris sir?”

“O, there are lots of places to see, the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the Arc d’ Triomph and many more. We will walk down the lovely avenues, see the monuments and watch the river Seine flowing into eternity. I am told there are artists near the Louvre museum who will make you sit before them and produce a sketch of yours in ten minutes. But I am sure even the best artists in the world can’t capture your beauty. You are simply superb, as beautiful as Paris!”

Jharna’s eyes shone with a new excitement, both at the comparison and the likely prospect of visiting Paris. She left the room in a dreamlike state, weaving fantasies of  Paris. With a light head I also found myself dreaming of Paris, a city I had never seen and never dreamt to see in the company of a stunning girl like Jharna. My heart gradually came out and started floating, moving from the potted plant to the lovely painting and then to the framed photograph of Konark – as if it was an innocent butterfly which has lost its sense after drinking a few sips of red wine. 

But when I reached home that evening a new uncertainty gripped me, with hope and despair playing hide and seek in my mind. Will Gagan agree to let Jharna go? Will Aparna agree to stay with her grand mother? I didn’t feel like eating my dinner. I was restless.

After Madhavi and Mridul went off to sleep, I came to the living room and started pacing the floor listlessly. Will Jharna come? Will she, won’t she? I found myself greatly agitated. Suddenly I had an idea. I took out a coin and thought of going for a toss – head, she comes; tail, she doesn’t. Taking care not to wake up Madhavi, I tossed the coin on the carpet, and lo and behold, it was head! O my God! O my God, she is coming! Jharna is coming with me! Yes, yes! I pumped my hand three times and went off to sleep, happy that I was probably the luckiest man in the world!

Next morning I was in the office by nine thirty, waiting eagerly for Jharna. When she didn’t reach by ten, her usual time, I took it to be a bad omen. Probably she had a fight with Gagan over the issue and will disappoint me. At ten past ten, she entered the room. Even before she could say her customary ‘Good morning Sir’, I shot the question at her.

“So, what’s your decision?”

She smiled.

“Initially Gagan was reluctant. But when I told him you are going to book a room for me out of your allowance, he agreed: ‘Lucky you! Go and see the most beautiful city on earth! Don’t worry, enjoy. We will manage here. Such opportunities don’t come often.’ And Aparna agreed to stay with my mom, on the condition that I bring ten pieces of chocolate and four toys for her!”

I started seeing stars and moons in the room. I felt like jumping up and down and doing a jig. But somehow I restrained myself.

“Sir, give me your passport. I will arrange for your visa. Last year I had got a passport for myself just before the elections because I didn’t have the Voter’s ID Card. I will apply for my visa also. I have already checked from the internet. Swissair offers free companion ticket in Club class. I have already blocked a ticket for you and put my name as companion”

Jharna looked at me archly, a playful smile on her lovely face.

“I hope you approve sir?”

“Yes, of course, why are you asking that?”

“Sir, your room is booked in Hotel Cascade. Let me also book a room for myself in the same hotel by using your credit card, if you permit.”

I hesitated for a few seconds.

“Jharna, I have never been to Paris, but my friend Ajit had gone there last year. I had checked with him last evening. He says it will be better to book a room on the spot. Since the hotel management will not like the room to go unoccupied, they will offer heavy discount. We will get it at half the cost.”

For a fleeting moment Jharna’s face clouded with a shade of doubt. Next moment it passed.

“Ok sir, you are right. After all, you are going to spend out of your allowance. So let’s save as much as possible. That will leave us more money to roam around in Paris.”

Jharna left the room. There was a new spring in her walk. For the next two days we kept making plans for the trip, the places to visit, the things to eat and the evenings to spend on the bank of river Seine. Jharna downloaded information on all the important monuments of Paris and was truly excited about all of them, like a child about to visit a circus for the first time.

“Sir, it seems there are vineyards on the outskirts of Paris and visitors are offered sips of wine to taste. Will you take me there sir? I want to taste wine for the first time in my life and that too straight from a vineyard! Wow, that’s really exciting!”
            I promised to Jharna all the joy and pleasure a trip of three days can offer in the loveliest city on earth. We were lost in our own personal world of fantasies.

We were to leave for Delhi at two in the afternoon of Wednesday and take the Swissair flight at midnight from there.

I booked a room for Madhavi in a nursing home in case she needed to go there in my absence. Her two brothers promised to take care of her till I returned. On Tuesday night Madhavi told me,

“You are going away for five days. I will miss you badly. Please be with me for the night. Put Mridul to sleep and come. We will talk late into the night.”

Long past midnight when I came to Madhavi’s bed, she had gone off to sleep. I lay down next to her. I had a restless night, sleeping in fits and starts. Towards early morning I drifted to a deep slumber and had a dream. In my dream I went to the Himalayas, and then to my village where I had spent my childhood. Finally I found myself in a deep forest, driving a jeep, a rifle in my hand, on a hunting trip.

I spotted a beautiful female deer in the distance. Ah, what a beauty, God has made her for me and me only! I lifted the rifle, took aim and was about to fire, when she ran away. I felt sad, have I lost her? I kept driving and spotted her again, at peace with herself, grazing quietly, her beautiful head bowed to the ground.

I fired a shot at her. Suddenly from nowhere a cub came near her and the next moment, fell on the ground, hit by my bullet. The deer lifted her head, and went still. She looked in my direction. I could clearly see a drop of tear in her enticing eyes, the kind of eyes only a stunningly cute deer can have! She was telling me; kill me, if you must. Spare my cubs, please!

I felt mad. How can the cub come between me and my lovely deer? She is mine and only mine. I will take her. Nobody can stop me!

I lifted my rifle again and fired. Again another cub jumped forward and fell to the ground.

I heard a loud cry, like the cry of a deer cub and woke up with a start! Oh God! Was that sound real?

It was. I found Mridul standing by the bed, and calling me,

“Papa, why did you leave me? I am scared. Can I sleep here with you?”

I gathered him in my arms and put him by my side. I tried to go back to sleep.

I felt listless. My heart was heavy. The two deer cubs came to my mind again and again. Sleep had vanished from my eyes. I got up. A new day was starting, but I found no joy in it. The dream had shattered my heart, breaking it into myriad pieces of jagged glasses.

I had to be at the office for an hour in the morning to clear some urgent papers before leaving for the airport. I went there at ten, with my mind tormented by an undefined sadness. I never knew a dream could affect me so much. But it remained vivid in my mind and refused to go away.

Jharna walked slowly into the room. Her face looked sad and her eyes were swollen, as if she had cried in the morning. Looking at her, a sense of melancholy swept over me.

            “Jharna, you know, madam is in a very advanced stage of pregnancy. She may have to be taken to the nursing home any day. I don’t feel like deserting her at this stage. Will you mind too much if we cancel the Paris trip? I am sorry.”

            A look of awesome relief came over her face.

            “Not at all sir. I myself wanted to request you to spare me from the trip.”

            I looked at her, with questioning eyes. She spoke slowly, and her words were laced with a tinge of sadness.

“Sir, do you remember my telling you that our daughter Aparna gets so many dreams in the night? This morning when she got up, she told me, ‘Mummy, you know, I had a dream last night about you, me and Papa going on a picnic to a hill. There I saw so many colourful birds, singing for us. You asked me if I want a bird. When I said yes, you looked up and tried to catch a bird. And you lost your balance, fell down the hill and vanished. Mummy, please don’t go anywhere. I don’t want any bird. I want only my mummy, always near me, within the reach of my small hands.’ Sir, good that you have cancelled the trip. I was wondering how to get out of it without offending you. Let me go and cancel the tickets.”

Quietly, I left the room. Tears had welled up in my eyes. Walking away with heavy steps, I silently muttered to myself, “Jharna, I also had a dream last night. In that dream I mercilessly shot dead two cute deer cubs. How sad! But you know Jharna, in the tragic death of those two innocent cubs, you, I, and both our families got the gift of a new life!”       

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Notes

Jharna: Literally, a fountain. A common and beautiful name for girls in India

Kajal: A kind of black mascara applied in a thin film on the lower lid of the eyes. It has an exquisite effect, adding beauty and seductiveness to the face

Bindi: A colourful dot put on the forehead by girls and women in India.